Fever

I haven’t slept.

I usually say nothing when this happens.

I couldn’t sleep because I was worried you would hurt me.

I often can’t sleep because I’m worried you’ll lie to me.

I’m anxious about a lot of things, but this I am anxious about all the time.

How can I say I’m sure about you when these days I’m always unsure?

I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just tired.

The other day you told me that your tarot card reading said we’d have trouble.

I told you I don’t believe in those things but really, I do. Just a little. Maybe just enough that the universe conspired for it to realize itself.

I’m so, so tired.

I’ve been coughing a lot. Some to beat the phlegm out of my throat, others to kick the worry out of my chest.

“We’ll work on it,” you said.

But as the days wore on I realised how simple it must seem to you.

To have to work on something that doesn’t plague you every second of the day till the minute you fall asleep.

Oh, but even in sleep, the fear manifests in all shapes and forms.

Are you my new demon?

I used to let the self-pity and doubt fester in my heart, but tonight-

I mean, this morning, I am just so tired. My heart is dry. It wants to sleep.

“Our problems are far away from us,” but the problem lives in my head.

It’s getting harder and harder to identify myself from the problem. I am the problem.

“Our relationship isn’t our problems,” but you’re in a relationship with a problem.

You’re in love with a problem.

Are you still in love? In love.

That’s a question for a different time.

Today, I just want to sleep. Even for a moment.

Peacefully, without another painful thought. No more hypotheticals.

No more what ifs, no more questions. No more waiting or wondering.

Just sleep.

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